Founder/CEO

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Family Dynamics 101



Study their Family Dynamics” was the response I received from my Ole Earth at the na├»ve age of 12 -when informing me about what I needed to think about when looking for a girlfriend. As some of you are already aware, she was a Psychologist with a Minor Degree in Sociology, so this type of language wasn’t unfamiliar to my home environment. Phrases like ‘Self Mutilation’, ‘Paranoid Schizophrenic’, and medical conditions like ‘Microcephalic’, ‘Anorexia Nervosa’, etc. were all things I had a basic knowledge of in my pre-teens. When it came to girls, one of the most significant things my Ole Earth taught me, that took me many years to actually begin to understand, was the phrase, “Study their Family Dynamics”. Because I was young, this of course was a very heavy concept to consider. My hormones were already kicking in and all I really cared about is if a girl was pretty or not. Interestingly enough, People my age today, and older, still choose Companions using that Philosophy: All I care about is if he/she looks good! Anyway, slowly over time, and through many trials, errors, and accomplishments, I finally began to get what she meant! Let me break it down…

Family Dynamics
It’s obvious what our physical Family is comprised of: Father, Mother, maybe Siblings, Grandparents, and other kin. The word “Dynamic” is another name for ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence.’ A “Dynamic” is a ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ that motivates or moves something. In this case we’re talking about the various elements within a Family that has had the ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ to motivate or move someone who’s a Member of that Family. When we look at this ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ that motivates/moves People, we are referring to the Principles and Values they learned, or lack thereof, as a child growing up. Family introduces and exposes us to our first Lessons about Relationships. By learning about a person’s upbringing, and the Relationships they had/have with their Family, we learn about some of the most significant influences that helped shape and mold this person into who they are or are not today. When we enter into any kind of Relationship with People be it platonic, business, or significant, we are having a Relationship with their Family’s ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’. Even if this person has chosen to socially cut themselves off from their Family, we are still in a Relationship with their Family’s ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ because their Family Members are still present within their DNA (genotype/phenotype) –which is something they will never escape, even though they may like to. This leads me to my point…

When we study the Dynamics or ‘Power, Forces, Energy, and Influences’ going on within a person’s Family Relationships, we get a better idea of what their inclinations/potential may be if they established a Family Relationship with us. We first learn about the rightness/wrongness of Family and Relationships through the one we were born into. So our willingness/ability to work things out with the Family we were ‘given’ is a good indication of our potential willingness/ability to work things out with the Family we ‘made’ or want to ‘get… This is very important to recognize because our Family is our First ‘Training Unit’ (14/1-14) when it comes to Relationships. This is where we first learn about fairness, cheating, forgiveness, anger, disappointment, sadness, embarrassment, joy, and everything else imaginable when it comes to establishing, building, maintaining, and severing Relationships. How we handled/handle these challenges, with Family Members, who we will be connected to for the rest of our lives, informs others about our skills/tolerance to handle these challenges with others, who we are not obligated to be connected to for the rest of our lives. In other words, if I don’t have the skills to handle my own brother’s attitude, how am I qualified to handle a dude with the same attitude that isn’t my brother, and has no ‘Family’ obligations/ties to me? If I lack the tolerance (endure/sustain) to deal with my own Mother’s behavior, how will I be able to tolerate a female Companion who may demonstrate the same behavior, and has no ‘Family’ obligations/ties to me? If it’s easy to walk away from meeting the challenges/demands our own Family presents us with, then it will be easier to walk away from People who aren’t Family, when they present us with the same challenges/demands...

Studying a person’s Family Dynamics means to examine how a person handled/handles their Family Relationships and what ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ (Principles and Values) is at play in those Relationships. If you’re a male, examine how a female interacts with her Siblings (if she has any) and Parents, especially her Father. Is her Father nothing more than her ATM Machine? Does she talk to him like he is her peer? Does she make sure she introduces a guy she’s interested in to her Father? Does she even know her Father and when she does mention him, does she refer to him as ‘her sperm donor’? The ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ (Principles and Values) that define this Father/Daughter interaction, sets the potential stage for Principles and Values that are likely to express themselves in the male/female Relationships in her life. If a female doesn’t have the skills/tolerance to deal with her own ‘Father’, what makes you think she’ll have the skills/tolerance to deal with you as her Man -who she can easily walk away from? Her Father was the first Man in her life, whether he was there or not, and how she primarily thinks/feels about him being there or not, is very important for you to know. Why? You may one day become this Man; a Father, to the children she has for you, and her thoughts/feelings about you being there or not, has the potential of being passed on, entertained, and embraced by your children. The same Scenario goes for females who’re studying the Family Dynamics of a potential male Companion. How does he talk and interact with his Mother? Does she control his life, and if so, how does he handle it? Does he curse her out when he doesn’t get something he wants? Is his Mother still cleaning up the messes he makes? Does he speaking kindly and respectfully of/to his Mother? Again, the ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ (Principles and Values) that define this Mother/Son interaction sets the potential stage for Principles and Values that are likely to express themselves in the female/male Relationships in his life.

Keep in Mind that this isn’t a death sentence on anyone who has Dysfunctional Family Relationships because we all do in some form or fashion. The question is, “What are we striving to do about resolving our thoughts, feelings, and dealings with these Dysfunctions?” This is an appeal to those of us who tend to overlook the importance of studying Family Dynamics; ours and those of a potential Companion. This is an appeal to those of us who believe we can develop the skills/tolerance (endurance) to handle these issues by simply trying to disconnect ourselves from People who we will be connected to for the rest of our life; Family. This does not mean that we have to sit around and agree with or accept everything our Family does, b.u.t. it does mean that we have to come to some resolution and develop some type of stratagem to handle the reality that we’ll be connected to them for the rest of our lives, and the extended Family (children) that will be born into our Family. If a person doesn’t have the willingness/ability to agree to disagree with their own Family, it’s not likely they’re going to have the willingness/ability to agree to disagree with someone else, an outsider, when presented with the same Perspective/Scenario. So instead of developing a resolution or stratagem, many of us simply cut People off, oftentimes for very petty issues, and it often takes serious or even tragic situations to make us realize this pettiness and bring us back together, even if it’s just temporarily... It’s this lack of resolution or stratagem that People bring with them into a potential Relationship; it’s called baggage. We all have baggage, b.u.t. everyone doesn’t carry it the same way, nor does everyone have the same intention and ability to do something about it.

In conclusion, I want to encourage all of us to keep in Mind that in all Relationships there is always a ‘Dynamic’ at play, and Family is the most fundamental ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ because we are born into it. This Dynamic, Family, is the first ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ that was instrumental in shaping our Principles, Values, and ultimately our Worldview. Even those things that we don’t do, think, feel, or value any longer still represent a ‘Power, Force, Energy, and Influence’ in our life; they are at the root of our considerations of making change (i.e. “I’ll never eat salisbury steak again because…”, “I always choose a guy/girl that looks like that because…”). Our Family is our first Training Unit, whether we were being taught to lie or tell the truth. This is the hand we were dealt, and how we play this hand will tell a lot about our proclivities in playing with others -and how we even perceive the hand they were dealt in life -whether it’s worst, the same, or better than ours. We first learn about the rightness and wrongness of Family and Relationships through the one we were born into. How we work things out with the Family we were ‘given’, is a good indication of our potential to work things out with the Family we ‘made’ or the Family we ‘want’ to make. If you want to judge a Man’s degree of forgiveness, watch his willingness/ability to forgive his own Siblings/Parents. If you want to cee a Woman’s ability to sacrifice, watch how and what she sacrifices for her child(ren), and how she thinks/feels about it. If you want to assess if a male has a basic level of respect for females, watch how he talks about, addresses, and treats the females in his Family. Likewise, if you want to assess if a female has a basic level of respect for males, watch how she talks about, addresses, and treats the males in her Family. If the way he/she chooses to talk about, address, and treat their own Family isn’t good, I wouldn’t have high hopes for them having the skills/tolerance (endurance) to build and maintain a good Family with me. Why? Because it’s questionable where they will actually get the skills/tolerance (endurance) from; they obviously didn’t develop them at home. Even though my Ole Earth said, “Study their Family Dynamics”, I will go a step further in saying, “Study ‘our’ Family Dynamics”. WE ALL BRING something to the table; some things we’d love to be remembered for, and some things we’d probably like to forget. Being aware, honest, and resolute about what WE ALL BRING will mean all the difference in World when it comes to the quality of our Relationships and the integrity of our Family Units.

Peace,
Saladin

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