Monday, June 04, 2012
“You mean ‘Ya-Ya’ God?” she said sarcastically. “You know that ain’t right Queen” I said laughing.
“What God?! I told Just a loooong time ago that ‘Ya-Ya’ would always be 67 million miles away from the Sun. Just seems to believe he can ‘make’ Earth so what can I do about that?” True Equality said while shruggin’ her shoulders. She continued, “If I went over there and tried to build with that female about Mathematics she’ll act like I’m tryin’ to cause trouble amongst her and Just and strive to have us tryin’ to fight and kill one another. All I’ll do is tell the God what I told him from the door; You can’t make a ‘Ho’ into no ‘Home’ of Islam!”
“You, are, off, the, hook, Queen! Be nice Queen.” I said, holding my stomach in laughter.
“I told Just that without ‘me’ meaning ‘what I stand for as a Black Woman’ all you get is a ‘Ho’ and half a ‘Home’! Word is bond God, it got me heated just thinking about how he got that destroy power chick over his rest like that knowing that the only thing she sincerely love is his divine eye and the cream he be giving her!
This is an excerpt from Journal Log Entry #7 (...its high speed of rotating makes it impossible.). Ramadyn is pondering his loneliness and lack of intimacy while sharing his feelings about coming to terms with some life changing information he just received. It's an island abyss where sometimes you can't even depend upon the sanity of your own thoughts.
Dealing with the lack of intimacy in my life at that time was like trying to kick a heroin addiction. Many nights I tossed and turned in my bed visualizing Divinity and wishing that she were lying beside me. On a few occasions I’d have a fling b.u.t. I’d always come back to my senses. Messing around never filled the emptiness I felt inside and these quasi- relationships always ended as abruptly as they’d began. I just couldn’t keep consummating situations that my Heart wasn’t in.
Cee, one twenty is a ‘map’ that only infers the emotional ‘terrain’ of our two forty and we get the understanding of this wilderness by ourselves. Many Gods methodically quote one hundred twenty Degrees b.u.t. I learned to live one hundred and twenty Lessons. I’ve felt the subtle mist never drawn above six in the pit of my stomach. I experienced the joy of ceeing the Planet first founded and I recognize the expression of a baby being fed the wrong foods. True Gods and Earths stand to be corrected about this ‘map’ and add on knowledge about its ‘terrain’. Although I added on what True Equality dropped on me, that knowledge locked me in a seat of an emotional rollercoaster; a ride I had to have the stomach for regardless of whom or what! I had to respect True Equality for not making knowledge born to me sooner because I definitely wouldn’t have had the strength to deal with hearing about Divinity.
I went from feeling angry, frustrated, sad, jealous to strait up dumb at a terrific speed and there were still painful questions swirling around in my Third. I was nowhere near 20 miles outside of this situation and being a Scientist was the last thing on my Mind. At that moment I was nothing b.u.t. a hopeless romantic, caught up in my emotions and ready to mount a crusade to save the Queen from a burning castle.
As True Equality left my rest I could feel myself slowly sinking into a deep, dark, pit of loneliness. I really needed a God to build with so I could restore my self esteem and gain my Godly perspective back. True Equality’s words felt like daggers piercing my Heart and my feelings for Divinity had me doubting who I was.