Unrequited Love: Gamophobia

Unrequited Love: Gamophobia

In today’s technological age of text messaging, social media and smart phones we have instantaneous access to information, people, places and things unlike ever before. I can literally go online right now and order an item rush delivery from China that will arrive at my doorstep within the week. I talk to my God brother in Ghana like he's next door using a free app and I have successfully hosted a Hip Hop album [Unique Heat Vol 3: Clearer Understanding] produced overseas without having set foot in the UK. That is convenience. The downside to all of this is the minimization and lost of the human touch. With this lost of a human touch has come chronic and temporary emotional unavailability. People may often text instead of talk and tag each other on Facebook/Instagram instead of touch. This growing departure from human contact has also spawned a fear of commitment that manifests itself in the form of 'situationships': per diem relationships. Per diem meaning "per day" or "for each day" because these freelance arrangements have no long term commitment or stability.

When it comes to emotional unavailability, there are various reasons why people have issues with closeness and intimacy. As elaborated on in my book GAMES, some people have emotional unavailability issues going all the way back to their childhood. These issues, sometimes defined as R.A.D. [Reactive Attachment Disorder], classifies children who have a problem forming meaningful attachments/bonds with others. Scientists examined how the lack of attachment (stroking) that babies received over a period of time made them either not respond or react negatively to social attachments with others. In addition to the emotional, social and cognitive components, this lack of response and/or negative reactions towards attachments was also measured in the low or stabilized levels of Oxytocin these children had during pleasurable inter-activities. Children like this, without the proper counseling, tend to carry this into adulthood. Other reasons some people are emotionally unavailable include, but are not limited to, failed relationships, divorce, [sexual, emotional, physical or financial] abuse, trauma, mental illness, parental alienation, addiction, being workaholics and etc. Whatever the cause may be, the effect is the same; a person’s unwillingness or inability to be close to and share space with others. One of the other things that's worth mentioning here in regards to emotional unavailability is the trans-generational trauma First World [Original] People have suffered at the hands of western colonialism, global white supremacy, institutionalization racism and sexism. As a coping mechanism, many of us have learned to not put our thoughts or feelings out there and have been emotionally unavailable to America, so-called Americans and American ideals for generations; our livelihood and survival has depended upon that.

According to Dr. Judith Orloff, psychiatrist/author of Emotional Freedom and other books, the ten key signs that someone is emotionally unavailable are:

1. They are married or in a relationship with someone else.
2. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.
3. They are emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.
4. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.
5. They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers.
6. They prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family.
7. They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.
8. They are seductive with you but make empty promises — their behavior and words don’t match.
9. They’re narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs.
10. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw.

While some of these signs are obvious, others aren't so obvious because sometimes people send mixed messages. An example of this dilemma is a person who may be separated, still legally married or still in a quasi-relationship with their Ex while simultaneously presenting themselves as single. They may share themselves with you on various levels yet still be unavailable emotionally when it comes down to true transparency, closeness and intimacy. As a narcissist who is emotionally unavailable, they're comfortable dealing with people at a distance while simultaneously expecting them to be close to them; they desire a commitment from others that they're unwilling or sometimes unable to reciprocate. Sometimes this intimacy dilemma can become a tumultuous relationship similar to fighting Mike Tyson in a phone booth; where every time you get close, you get hurt.  

Aside from recognizing these obvious signs and mixed signals, the biggest challenge for us is accepting what we see and not rationalizing these signs and signals away. Our willingness and ability to see things for what they are, not what they appear to be or what we want them to be, is the key factor in not losing time waiting for unrequited love. Not only do we suffer but our families and communities do as well. How? Because other important areas of our lives get neglected when we prioritize people who only view us as an option. One of the biggest complaints I've had and have heard from others about relationships that didn't work out is the time wasted. Whether a person is dealing with emotional unavailability temporarily, it's chronic or they've been diagnosed with the anxiety disorder Gamophobia [a fear of commitment], as partner or prospective partner it's still time we're investing that we have no way of knowing if it will ever be reciprocated. Some people are simply unwilling or unable to give of themselves in a relationship and need help to get to that place to do so. We may be one of those people and it requires an honest self assessment, willingness and ability to seek that help. Again, and even with that help, there's no way of knowing if this person, or we, will ever be emotionally available. This commitment to self development is the first true commitment they, or we, must make in regards to addressing these issues with commitment and intimacy. And it is through this commitment to self that we learn to develop the trust, honesty, courage and other qualities that are necessary to commit to others who are deserving of us. It's a risk. It's vulnerable. It's frightening at times to depend upon someone to do the right thing with our heart, but it's ultimately worth it when we've found the right person. As people of color in America, the socioeconomic landscape and cultural backdrop has historically created an environment that breeds unrequited love. There are numerous daily challenges we face and open attacks on our self identity that the dominant society doesn't have to consider such as western colonialism, global white supremacy, institutionalization racism and sexism that has distorted our ability to love ourselves and each other. Finding healthy ways to address and define ourselves outside of these conditions is also paramount to our commitment towards self development. Again, it's a risk. It's vulnerable. It's frightening at times to depend upon ourselves and each other to do the right thing outside of these conditions, but it's ultimately worth it when we've found the right alternatives.

Peace,
Saladin

Justice or Else: What's Next?

Justice or Else: What's Next?

7 Experiences of a Five Percenter

It's 3:09am and I'm up reflecting and writing on the 10.10.15 Justice or Else Rally in Washington DC I recently attended. Although there were many things I saw and heard, here are  7 Experiences I wanted to share with all of you. Before I do that I want to first give a shout out and thank my brother Keith Muhammad of Luv4Self for organizing our trip and the other members of our entourage for travelling down.

• I loved seeing the numerous vendors utilizing this entrepreneurship opportunity to provide goods/services for the people. It was definitely an example of cooperative economics. Aside from the economic stimulus to the city's economy via food, lodging, transportation and etc., I'm already working on something to address and redirect some of that revenue to neglected communities/commercial zones when gatherings like this take place, regardless of the City/State.

• The "Justice or Else: What's Next?" National Community Forum I participated in focused on various grassroot programs, projects and initiatives we're engaged in that already addresses "What's Next?" We discussed the political process, displacement/gentrification, education models, cooperative economics and etc. The best part about grassroot forums such as this is people don't simply leave encouraged. We were there working and we left with tasks. For example, during a segment we took a moment to come up with a vision statement and #hashtags to start tweeting a public official to begin using our social networks to mobilize around a specific quality of life issue. Click the highlighted link so you can check it out.



"Justice or Else: What's Next" National Community Forum

• I'm glad I had an opportunity to connect with so many people in the flesh who are working towards bringing about a better world for our present and future generations. I'm also glad that I was able to connect with my Queens and Howard University students Asiyah and Aziza and share some time with my eldest Asiyah because her 20th Born Day was also 10.10.15. In addition, 10.10.15 marks the 51st year and formal Born Day of the Five Percenters so it was also beautiful to celebrate that with some of my Universal Family. One of my best highlights was finally meeting the young sun my God Brother and his Queen gave me the honor of naming "Khemel." That was indeed love to the highest degree!

• By the time I arrived in DC I was running on fumes: the last full meal I had was a day earlier and I hadn't slept in 60 hours. Although I ended up eating some of the food/water donated by Author D. Scott I still hadn't slept taking turns driving back. Not sure if any of you have experienced this before but lack of sleep can make you hallucinate. At one point the white vehicle in front of me turned red and looked like a Dumb & Dumber version of Clifford The Big Red Dog. Lol I say this to say: when you're travelling, make sure you get some rest first and possibly when you arrive somewhere, before you travel back.

• Of the many positive things people said to me, one of the things that struck me was a brother saying how proud he was of me for the way I represent Five Percenters worldwide. It wasn't a back handed compliment and he was sincere about it. I appreciated that because it's not often that brothers put their EGO aside and honestly give another brother credit like that without wrapping it up in joke or mumbling it. Herein lies a greater problem with that mentality: When we're not sharing our love, support and appreciation for each other, we're not showing our younger generations how to love, support and appreciate each other. One of the reasons we don't see it in our millennial generation is because they don't see us doing it. I've not had an issue sharing love, support and appreciation for what others are doing and willfully that gesture symbolizes a growing sense of unity and cooperation we need as brothers to effectively address the problems that are plaguing our families and communities.

• The "or Else" means many things to many people. To me it's an unfinished sentence that represents the consequences of apathy, disunity, egotism and blind consumerism. So for example, "Justice or else... we're going to see the continual deterioration of our families and communities." Sometimes in order to build, some things must be destroyed. In this case, and among other things, it's apathy, disunity, egotism and blind consumerism that must be destroyed in order to transform our present conditions.

• If we're participating in a nationwide blackout/boycott to not support certain businesses and services we also should blackout/boycott promoting and advertising certain businesses and services. For example, not buying Polo gear for a couple of days yet simultaneously posting pictures on Instagram, Twitter and/or Facebook wearing Polo gear defeats the purpose of participating in a blackout/boycott. Even though we didn't buy anything, we may have encouraged half a dozen people to go buy something. Lol Just something to think about. Here's a video I did entitled Advertising and Self Determination where I further elaborate on this.

In closing I had an excellent time building and networking with others, seeing the beauty of our unity and leaving with more ideas to continue my work at home and abroad. Regardless who was there, who spoke and etc., people will ultimately take away from this event what they brought to it and willfully what they gained while being there. The above video visually documents part of my experience there. The background music is a track called "Pressure" which was also produced by me.

Peace,
Saladin

A New Release!

On September 16th I quietly released my 13th book "When Teachers are ready, their Students appear." I say quietly because I did it at 4am in the morning. A middle of the night book release is literally saying I do this while others sleep and there is nothing theatrical, flamboyant or spectacular about that. As a journalist and author my intention has always been to simply make information accessible to people, not sell books, win a Pulitzer Prize or be on Oprah's book club list. Book sales and testimonials have come as a result of this information accessibility and I am very thankful for that. 

In a society where it is often expected for students to be properly prepared to learn [information], I always understood that our educators must be properly prepared to teach. Oftentimes that is not the case in mainstream society. Over the years of having Knowledge of Self [KOS] I also found that it can be true within my society of Five Percenters. When Teachers are ready, their Students appear is a series of essays pertaining to teaching and gaining KOS from the cultural perspective of a Five Percenter.

This book is now available along with my other titles at my E-Store, Amazon, Amazon Kindle, book outlets worldwide and my website Quanaah Publishing. If you have a family member who is incarcerated that you would like to send a copy to please email me at: atlantisbuild@gmail.com.

I appreciate your support!

Peace,
Saladin

Rest In Peace

Have you ever considered that Confederate Flag waving may be more of a symbol of reconciliation than succession? Or that many southerners, and their northern kinfolk, still feel perpetually slighted by the United States Government? Well consider the fact that in the 1860's, after the Civil War, Congress enacted legislation that authorized the President to purchase "cemetery grounds" to be used as national cemeteries for soldiers who died in the service of the country. By "soldiers" it meant Union soldiers, not Confederate soldiers. Confederate soldiers could not be buried in national cemeteries, nor were they afforded any benefits from the United States Government. So those aren't Confederate soldier names engraved on Veteran's Memorials or Confederate soldiers being memorialized on Veteran's Day -a National Holiday. When the remains of Confederate soldiers were found on the battlefield lying near those of Union soldiers, the Union soldiers were removed, buried with honor and they'd leave the Confederates’ bodies rotting in field. It was only because of the fear of disease spreading were their bodies put in temporary shallow graves and marked with wooden headboards for identification. And it wasn't until private women organizations, such as the Wake County Ladies Memorial Association in North Carolina, assumed the initial financial responsibility to remove these Confederates' and bury them in southern cemeteries. Keep in mind that because the Federal Government administrated this construction of these National Cemeteries, former Confederate States also paid for this. Between 1898 and 1968, the government added sections to the national cemetery to accommodate the graves of veterans from the Spanish-American War, World Wars I and II, the Korean War, and the Vietnam War. The cemetery’s annex is located due north of the historic original 17-acre property. Today, more than 6,000 veterans lay at rest in the national cemetery and there are almost 4 million people, "non-Confederate" Veterans of every war and conflict, buried with honor in 147 national cemeteries on about 20,000 acres of land. 

So here it is, after the Civil War ended, the United States Government buried and memorialized their own union soldiers, symbolically spit on the unmarked graves of their southern kinfolk, and then made them financially responsible for a large part of constructing national cemeteries they could not be buried in and monuments they couldn't be memorialized on. And to add further insult to injury, black veterans earned a place in the ground and name on these same memorial monuments. Some present day American patriots would simply say, "That's what rebels get!" Yeah, well do you really think that's fair and reconciliatory? What about the noble American idea of being charitable to the opposition? It's not like every Confederate soldier was a slaver, they fully understood what they were fighting for and they were unrelated to anyone up north; the Civil War was like the Hatfields and McCoy's. The McCoy's won and made the Hatfields pay for a large part of the clean-up, an elaborate cemetery and monuments for the McCoy veterans for generations. Rescue me if I'm wrong but that doesn't seem like the best way to heal open wounds and every year during Memorial Day, Veteran's Day and etc. this history is indirectly, or maybe directly, thrown in people's faces. Also, I'm sure some of you are aware that there are soldiers in ALL WARS, including the Civil War, who fought and died for a cause they didn't fully understand or oftentimes didn't agree with. Armies need bodies and sometimes that's exactly what people were. One of the biggest tragedies is to see people overlook, minimize or trivialize that fact. Just because one of these soldiers died on what may be considered a losing side doesn't personally make such a soldier and/or their family treacherous traitors or losers. It also doesn't make the same kind of soldiers who survived on the other side winners. These soldiers who sacrifice[d] their life for a cause they don't/didn't understand or agree with reflects the same marginalized groups in America that have been historically losing lives regardless who is declared a winner in war. THAT lost of life should always be acknowledged.

In this respect, one of the reasons historical wounds remain open in America is its perpetual disrespect and lack of acknowledge for the dead. From those who have died from the genocide of our Indigenous People, Blacks who were brought here and enslaved [Maafa], Interment Camps of the Japanese, southern Americans after the Civil War, Immigrants in the 1900's and of course present day Middle Easterners/Muslims and Southeast Asians. I recently attended a viewing/discussion of the documentary Fire in the Heartland at Niagara University by its BSU. Fire in the Heartland is about the National Guard's murder/wounding of Kent State students [May 4 Massacre] and the history of student protests in America. One of the most reprehensible parts of this story was how Kent State and United State Government disrespectfully handling the deaths of the fours students and nine who were wounded -one who suffered permanent paralysis. President Nixon issued a statement which read in part, "This should remind us all once again that when dissent turns to violence it invites tragedy." The problem with his statement was that the protest on that day on May 4th was peaceful and there are images and file footage to prove that. It took nearly twenty years, the 1990's, to even erect some sort of Kent State Memorial in remembrance of this horrible incident and even then there was controversy. This, including the Jackson State Murders; where two students were shot and twelve wounded by the police as they peacefully protested the Vietnam War and United States invasion of Cambodia reflect a systemic attitude in America about death. The death of those who are not viewed as Americans. Fast forward to the incidents of violence by local/state/federal law enforcement agencies against protesters and the handling of the dead surrounding the Occupy Wall Street, Ferguson, Baltimore and etc. and you'll see this clear pattern.

150 years after the Civil War, there are some people who use the Confederate Flag as a symbol of hate and white supremacy. That is wrong and unfair. There are others who honestly look at this same flag as a symbolic reminder of their ancestors; some who died in a war they didn't fully understand or agree with, and others who use it a symbol of this country's lack of reconciliation/respect for the dead. Knowing this, it is likewise wrong and unfair to simply designate ALL Confederate soldiers, and their progeny, as treacherous traitors and losers. The Indigenous people, Africans, Immigrants, Women and the LGBT community are not the only people with an American Horror Story; some Southern Whites have one too. Lastly, the Confederate Flag, or any non-American flag be it the Rainbow, Jolly Roger, Pan-African, Christian, Nation of Islam or etc.., should not be flown over any city, county, state, government agency or public institution such as a public park, library or school. None of those flags represent this nation, the United States of America, and should only be flown on/over one's private property or worn on their person. All of this begs the questions we can only answer for ourselves: When there is clear disrespect for the dead, how can there be respect for the living? If our ancestors are not buried [resting] in peace, how can we live in peace? All of us have family and friends who have passed away. Some of us may still be grieving behind their passing and how their burial was handled. Healing those wounds and bringing closure may require us to invest in a reinterment process; beginning with openly talking about that grief or feelings of disrespect and working together to strive to reconcile those issues. 

Peace,
Saladin