Lover's Lane: What I've Learned In Relationships

   

     One of the most accurate commentaries I've ever heard to describe my life was by Will Smith during an interview with Tavis Smiley. In part, Will Smith said, "The only thing, that I see, that is distinctly different about me is I'm not afraid to die on a treadmill. Right. I will run. I will not be out worked, period. You know, you might have more talent than me. You might be smarter than me. You might be sexier than me. You might be all of those things you got it on me in 9 categories. But if we get on the treadmill together, right, there's two things: you're getting off first or I'm going to die. It's really that simple. ... You're not going to out work me. ... I say all the time, 'If you stay ready you ain't gotta get ready'." I have the exact same attitude. The only difference is I'm not afraid to die on my path or in a library. Over the last decade there are numerous goals I've reached and contributions I've made because of that attitude. Yet with that level of ambition, discipline and time appropriation, there comes many sacrifices. Many. An average day to me begins at sunrise and ends after sundown. In addition to teaching preschoolers during the day and pre-adolescents after school, my weekends consist of activities/events in and out of town. Even with all of this I'm still in my studio producing/recording music or working on articles, books, researching something or etc. Naturally people often ask me how am I able to do so much. Essentially, I'm just pretty good with my time. 

     I'm going to let you in on a little secret... In addition to time appropriation and having a strong brotherhood, one of the reasons I've been able to accomplish so much is because of the critical mass of women I am connected to and love dearly, starting with my young Queens Asiyah and Aziza. If it wasn't for their insight, guidance and support, especially when it comes to their critical analysis of other women, I would have fell victim to some BS a long time ago -like many of us men do. One of the craziest things I've seen men do is start denouncing all of the women in their life once they're in a relationship with one. Because of the life I lead I don't see the functional benefit in curving, cutting off or "acting brand new" with the women in my life simply because I'm in a relationship now. In fact, my Queen would have to genuinely appreciate these women, because she'll be joining a L.O.E.L. [League Of Extraordinary Ladies]. Not every woman is comfortable with this and I respect that. Some men, many men, aren't comfortable with a woman who has a  L.O.E.G. [League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen].  

   When I meet any woman that I'm getting to know, the fundamental question I ask myself is, "What role does she play along my path?" Whether getting to know her evolves into exploring a potential companionship, business relationship or something platonic, I always debrief her about certain things that come along with my path, as I am also debriefed about certain things that come along with hers. In assessing those things, be it personality, profession, core values or principles, it's all about compatibility and congruence when it comes to exploring a potential companionship. I once met a woman who had two things to read in her home besides the mail. She lived in a city for almost a decade yet didn't know where her local library was. Although her profession, looks and sexuality may have been compatible and congruent with someone else, that, among other things, didn't work for me. I couldn't imagine being out in the public, or not being present, and someone asks her opinion about a project I've done, an article I wrote, book I published and she doesn't know what to say because she never saw it, cared to see it or didn't even know it even existed. This is not pride or self importance talking. I'm talking about a person not being genuinely invested in, an Ambassador of or defender of our legacy. Don't get it twisted, this goes both ways. If my Queen was an artist and she had various pieces she's working on, selling and displaying at galleries, I should know the ins and outs about that. I wouldn't want to drop the ball speaking to a person who appreciates the arts or an art collector looking to invest in her work. Of course my twenty-year-old immature self didn't think like this; I evolved and continue to grow. The worst part is some of us men never evolve to think like this and regardless of our path we're only interested in what a woman looks like, what she feels like and what that mouth do. Not a legacy.

                                               "Love is a rose but you better not pick it

It only grows when it's on the vine

A handful of thorns and you'll know you've missed it

You lose your love when you say the word 'mine'."

-Love Is A Rose, Linda Ronstadt-

   As I grow, one of the most important things I've learned is that it's a better investment to share time with a potential companion along our path, not apart from it. Being apart from my path, there are women I've "crossed paths" with, or veered off of my path to share time with, that I don't even cross paths with anymore. Why? Because we crossed paths to begin with. We genuinely didn't share the same path nor were we headed in the same direction. Some of that time I enjoyed. With others, I know my time could have been better invested. Hell, some of them may think the same thing about me. Sharing time along my path means I've learned to invest time with women who are already going in the same direction. Going in the same direction doesn't mean if I'm an MC she got to have bars or we both need to be preschool teachers. I'm talking about sharing some of the same core values, a similar vision of the future and a tangible investment in a legacy. For example, I may work in the field of education, she make work in government, yet we're both pro-advocates for social justice. She may work in the entertainment industry, I may be a tradesman, yet we're both invested in community outreach and volunteerism. Our paths gotta be compatible and compatibility is about being congruent, not clones. We don't need to do the exact same thing, we just need to be headed in the same direction. When people cross paths, they are not going in the same direction. This doesn't mean that crossing paths is wrong or it won't last. Sometimes one or both people who cross paths may join their partner's path or they may choose a new path to share. That can be a very exciting and positive thing! The negative side of crossing paths is when either person tries to force someone on a path they didn't choose for themselves, even if they think or feel it's for all of the right reasons. 

   We all have our own expectations, boundaries and goals in regards to how a companionship should be and look like. Some things that work for others may not work for us. Some things will. As a public figure and one of the more visible representatives of the Five Percenters/Nation of Gods and Earths, there is a definitely degree of scrutiny that comes along with what I do, or don't do, that some don't even think about. As a Preschool Teacher, Author of over a dozen books and now a Human Rights Commissioner for my City, this further compounds that scrutiny. I have to be on point in ways that some could never imagine because they don't share my responsibility. My life is very different than working a 9-5 and then coming home to watch the ball game on T.V. If some dudes choose the wrong companion they can just change their Facebook relationship status and move on. If I choose wrong that would unquestionably affect thousands of people who trust my sense of discernment and see value in the things I consistently do. Over the last few years I've thought a lot about the level of scrutiny my Queen would have to deal with simply because she is by my side. There were some women I once took an interest in I knew would not be able to handle that when I saw how they consistently responded to being scrutinized by a handful of local people. They were overwhelmed. So I knew it would be more difficult for them to cope with people globally scrutinizing them, or coming for them, simply because she's my companion. This is often why you see certain public figures yet not their companion. Their companion is not in the public eye or all over social media to minimize the scrutiny of them, their companionship and the bullsh*t that will come along with that. Usually they were prepared for what to expect; debriefed and coached by public relations staff for how to handle being in the public eye and use social media. I never thought I would be in a place in my life where I would have to even consider things like that and I've only begun to accept that reality over the last few years. In accepting that, I also learned that it would only be right to share that responsibility with someone who is willing and able to positively represent, defend and add-on to our legacy. I, nor she, deserve nothing less than that.

Peace,
Saladin 

Unrequited Love: Gamophobia

Unrequited Love: Gamophobia

In today’s technological age of text messaging, social media and smart phones we have instantaneous access to information, people, places and things unlike ever before. I can literally go online right now and order an item rush delivery from China that will arrive at my doorstep within the week. I talk to my God brother in Ghana like he's next door using a free app and I have successfully hosted a Hip Hop album [Unique Heat Vol 3: Clearer Understanding] produced overseas without having set foot in the UK. That is convenience. The downside to all of this is the minimization and lost of the human touch. With this lost of a human touch has come chronic and temporary emotional unavailability. People may often text instead of talk and tag each other on Facebook/Instagram instead of touch. This growing departure from human contact has also spawned a fear of commitment that manifests itself in the form of 'situationships': per diem relationships. Per diem meaning "per day" or "for each day" because these freelance arrangements have no long term commitment or stability.

When it comes to emotional unavailability, there are various reasons why people have issues with closeness and intimacy. As elaborated on in my book GAMES, some people have emotional unavailability issues going all the way back to their childhood. These issues, sometimes defined as R.A.D. [Reactive Attachment Disorder], classifies children who have a problem forming meaningful attachments/bonds with others. Scientists examined how the lack of attachment (stroking) that babies received over a period of time made them either not respond or react negatively to social attachments with others. In addition to the emotional, social and cognitive components, this lack of response and/or negative reactions towards attachments was also measured in the low or stabilized levels of Oxytocin these children had during pleasurable inter-activities. Children like this, without the proper counseling, tend to carry this into adulthood. Other reasons some people are emotionally unavailable include, but are not limited to, failed relationships, divorce, [sexual, emotional, physical or financial] abuse, trauma, mental illness, parental alienation, addiction, being workaholics and etc. Whatever the cause may be, the effect is the same; a person’s unwillingness or inability to be close to and share space with others. One of the other things that's worth mentioning here in regards to emotional unavailability is the trans-generational trauma First World [Original] People have suffered at the hands of western colonialism, global white supremacy, institutionalization racism and sexism. As a coping mechanism, many of us have learned to not put our thoughts or feelings out there and have been emotionally unavailable to America, so-called Americans and American ideals for generations; our livelihood and survival has depended upon that.

According to Dr. Judith Orloff, psychiatrist/author of Emotional Freedom and other books, the ten key signs that someone is emotionally unavailable are:

1. They are married or in a relationship with someone else.
2. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.
3. They are emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.
4. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.
5. They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers.
6. They prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family.
7. They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.
8. They are seductive with you but make empty promises — their behavior and words don’t match.
9. They’re narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs.
10. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw.

While some of these signs are obvious, others aren't so obvious because sometimes people send mixed messages. An example of this dilemma is a person who may be separated, still legally married or still in a quasi-relationship with their Ex while simultaneously presenting themselves as single. They may share themselves with you on various levels yet still be unavailable emotionally when it comes down to true transparency, closeness and intimacy. As a narcissist who is emotionally unavailable, they're comfortable dealing with people at a distance while simultaneously expecting them to be close to them; they desire a commitment from others that they're unwilling or sometimes unable to reciprocate. Sometimes this intimacy dilemma can become a tumultuous relationship similar to fighting Mike Tyson in a phone booth; where every time you get close, you get hurt.  

Aside from recognizing these obvious signs and mixed signals, the biggest challenge for us is accepting what we see and not rationalizing these signs and signals away. Our willingness and ability to see things for what they are, not what they appear to be or what we want them to be, is the key factor in not losing time waiting for unrequited love. Not only do we suffer but our families and communities do as well. How? Because other important areas of our lives get neglected when we prioritize people who only view us as an option. One of the biggest complaints I've had and have heard from others about relationships that didn't work out is the time wasted. Whether a person is dealing with emotional unavailability temporarily, it's chronic or they've been diagnosed with the anxiety disorder Gamophobia [a fear of commitment], as partner or prospective partner it's still time we're investing that we have no way of knowing if it will ever be reciprocated. Some people are simply unwilling or unable to give of themselves in a relationship and need help to get to that place to do so. We may be one of those people and it requires an honest self assessment, willingness and ability to seek that help. Again, and even with that help, there's no way of knowing if this person, or we, will ever be emotionally available. This commitment to self development is the first true commitment they, or we, must make in regards to addressing these issues with commitment and intimacy. And it is through this commitment to self that we learn to develop the trust, honesty, courage and other qualities that are necessary to commit to others who are deserving of us. It's a risk. It's vulnerable. It's frightening at times to depend upon someone to do the right thing with our heart, but it's ultimately worth it when we've found the right person. As people of color in America, the socioeconomic landscape and cultural backdrop has historically created an environment that breeds unrequited love. There are numerous daily challenges we face and open attacks on our self identity that the dominant society doesn't have to consider such as western colonialism, global white supremacy, institutionalization racism and sexism that has distorted our ability to love ourselves and each other. Finding healthy ways to address and define ourselves outside of these conditions is also paramount to our commitment towards self development. Again, it's a risk. It's vulnerable. It's frightening at times to depend upon ourselves and each other to do the right thing outside of these conditions, but it's ultimately worth it when we've found the right alternatives.

Peace,
Saladin

Tapestry of Love; The Fourth Album

Tapestry of Love; The Fourth Album

     If you take a moment to look over at my right side bar and scroll down past my literature you'll some my album covers. My most recent release is called Tapestry of Love; a musical journey that highlights the sensual side of my life. As a creative artist I've been writing poetry, doing Rap performances, producing music and Spoken Word for years now. I've talked/written about it on many occasions, I have a creative arts playlist on A.S.I.A. TV sharing some of my art and I've dedicated a Musicology enthusiast segment of my Atlantis Build Talk Radio Show to feature/discuss various artists, music genres and their cultural impact on the world. In addition to many of the things I do, music is indeed one of my loves. Because of this, I'm always in my studio listening to or creating something.

     Part of my company Quanaah Publishing includes Quahadi Music and it is through Quahadi Music that I've successfully released my music projects. My first release, Brothers from Another Planet, highlights music from my physical brother Golden Sun and I. It's a self described soundtrack to a "mind expansive musical journey" that chronicles our "creative concepts, poetical insights & living experiences" weaving tales of rich Atlantean folklore. As you may tell from the title, it's based upon the classic 1984 film The Brother from Another Planet. My second release, The Emerald Tablet, highlights a lot of my music production. It's called the emerald tablet because it's musically similar to the cryptic piece of Hermetica reputed to contain alchemical secrets of transmutation. In this case, those secrets are sound and it's definitely for the listeners. My third release, Kontact, is based upon the 1997 film Contact about a scientist's race to interpret a possible message originating from the Vega star system. In Kontact, you are the album's lead character; a scientist listening to coded radio transmissions seeking evidence of Hip Hop's Extra Celestial life. You learn that each song contains lyrics of technical drawings that reveal a complex world of advanced civilizations, subterranean folklore and self exploration. Through this sequence of sound sent from a star light years away, you've been chosen to make first contact. All of these albums are unique and share different dimensions of who I am, lyrically and production wise.

     Tapestry of Love is a very different album than my first three. In the midst of choosing tracks for my album Kontact, an entirely separate body of work began to emerge. Some of the tracks I produced/recorded didn't fit with the story line so I put them aside. Over time I began to produce/record other tracks and this became a tapestry of uncensored pieces about love; my personal experiences, observations and aspirations. This album is a side of me I wanted to share because many of you are only used to seeing my journalistic, youth advocate, public speaking, community outreach side. Here's the official 17 track list as shown on the back cover of the album:

-In Her Eyes
-Incantations of the Earth
-Karamel Sutra
-Love Child
-Yemaya

-Immersion interlude
-Soul Caliber feat. Beerlahai-roi
-Tapestry of Love
-Woman of All Seasons
-World’s Apart interlude
-Forgotten Palaces of the Opal Queen
-Filtered Dreams
-Inspiration interlude
-Hours
-Heaven’s Gate
-Karamel Sutra *Remix
-Tapestry of Love *Willow Remix

     So if you're a music enthusiast like myself, take a moment to check out Tapestry of Love and any of my albums. Thank You in advance and Peace!

Saladin



No Sharing: The Science of Polygamy

No Sharing

~The Science of Polygamy~

I once had a polygynous relationship for over a year. Polygyny is a form of polygamy where a man has a relationship with two or more women. It wasn't the kind of relationship I sought after or even considered having at the time. The opportunity was presented to me and I agreed. I was young, naive and learning its perimeters in real time. Now let me get this straight from the door, it wasn't a habitat for threesomes nor was I lying in the valley of the skins. That's not the purpose of polygamy; it's much more sophisticated and civil than that, well at least it should be. Polygamy, and polygyny in particular, goes back many centuries to classical and indigenous societies who sought to resolve the growing disparity between male and female ratios, family/community deterioration and moral decay. Depending upon where you went or still go in the world, that human sex ratio disparity can be as large as 12 females to every male or as low as 2 females for every male.


In the United States from the 1950s to the 1990s a Dr. William Masters and his assistant Virginia Johnson pioneered research on human sexual response in the department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri. The significance of their research is that it explored the nature of female arousal and orgasms; which many males knew nothing about or didn't want to know anything about even to this day. From the perspective of this society, "sex" is generally defined as male pleasure and the "sexual act" is considered complete after a male has an orgasm. Like today, and during the time of Masters and Johnson's research, males didn't want to explore or even talk about female arousal and orgasms because our ability to help her achieve sexual arousal and orgasm is called into question. So instead of facing the fact that we may be impotent or simply unable to please a woman, males played, and play, the blame game by calling a woman frigid. This male insecurity runs so deep that even the MPAA [Motion Picture Association of America] rates films pornographic or NC-17 even if a fully clothed woman appears to be experiencing arousal or an orgasm. NC-17 was once called "X-rated" and I encourage you to research NC-17 big box office hits and you'll understand the cultural and socioeconomic impact of such a rating. Not only is it an award season kiss of death but it's a mark against women enjoying sex on film.


Within this society males are socialized to get their rocks off and slut-shame females who are doing the same thing. According to that "get my rocks off" logic, when a female isn't aroused and hasn't reached orgasm, it lowers the chances of having a male child when a male ejaculates inside of her. The alkaline secretions in a female's vagina increases each time she orgasms. This simultaneously decreases its acidic level which is an unfavorable environment for sperm survival; especially Y-chromosome sperm. Also, because healthy cervical mucous of a female is alkaline, if we're daddy long stroke and can use the right sex positions to deposit our sperm inside of the cervix, it's a shorter distance for Y-chromosomes to travel in order to reach the egg. The fact that many females within the United States practice a standard American diet high in meat, dairy, white sugar/high fructose corn syrup, processed foods and few fruits/vegetables makes her body as a whole more acidic than alkaline. This is not to put it all of her because many of us males have a low sperm count for some of the very same dietary reasons, including drug use, alcoholism, erectile dysfunction and of course depression. I mention the research of Masters and Johnson, MPAA film ratings and how female arousal and orgasm plays a role in gender determination to show some of the psychological, sociological and physiological factors that directly effects the human sex ratio.


Now what do these ratios have to do with polygamy? According to human sex ratios, one thing that is generally consistent across the board is that there has been and are more females on the planet Earth than males. When this isn't the case.., where you do see a disproportionate amount of males to females.., it's usually the direct result of conditions such as gendercide, pollution, aging/death rate, poor diet, genetics, sex selective abortions and infanticide. Traditionally, some societies used more humane solutions to bring to balance its human sex ratios where females outnumbered males. In addition to these conditions, two of the main reasons for this disparity in human sex ratios were war-time casualties and short male lifespans that left widows and orphans behind. Polygyny became the first social security system; it provided a safety net for its women and children who had no husband and father. Plural marriage was also established to maintain the moral fabric of the society dealing with these disparities. In many instances where there were not enough available males there was an increase in adultery, lesbianism, prostitution, divorce, alcoholism/drug use, mental illness and other societal ills. All of these social ills erode the moral fabric of any society. Polygyny was a solution to a society where there were more females than males, and even though it was and is well intended, you may not have men of integrity participating in it. This lack of integrity only compounded and compounds the issues of providing social security for our women and children, especially in a patriarchal society.


In many American cities, like in various countries and cities around the world, the odds are against a female finding a single available male companion; we're unavailable, literally. Without understanding these human sex ratios some females may simply be under the impression that males are born cheaters and some females are naturally desperate. Some females may also believe that what I'm saying isn't true and they're going to find a man and have a lifelong monogamous relationship with him. The reality is in a city where there's 6 females to every male, you're most likely to be one of the 5 females who won't have a man; unless of course you openly/privately share him, you make him pay to be with you or you strive to take him from another woman. Some women just decide to be in a relationship with one or more of the other 4 women who are left. That is the reality, regardless how much we pray, hope or believe differently. Keep in mind that there are also societies that practice polyandry. Polyandry, although not as common, is also a form of polygamy where a woman has a relationship with two or more men. This plural marriage was likewise established for the same reasons; to bring into balance the human sex ratio disparity where males outnumber(ed) females. This was also done to help maintain the moral fabric of the society where adultery, homosexuality, prostitution, violence, alcoholism/drug use, mental illness and other societal ills would increase because of the lack of available females.

One of the questions I often ask males who advocate polygamy is, "Do you advocate polyandry as equally important as polygyny?" Some may have never heard of it. Others that have heard of it don't consider it equally important. My perspective is this: If we truly understand the purpose of polygamy, we should have no problem practicing polygyny or polyandry if that's what our society needs to effectively address its human sex ratio disparities, family/community deterioration and moral decay. I'm sure that's a hard pill to swallow for many of us males/men but that's the kind of sacrifice we're asking our women to make for the greater good of maintaining our society. We should likewise be willing to make that same sacrifice if called upon to do it.


As Five Percenters, we like other classical and indigenous societies recognize polygyny as a viable solution to the human sex ratio disparities and moral decay. Even though we recognize plural marriage, it does not mean that all Five Percenters participate in it. When we do, polygyny is a relationship established for the women. It's not supposed to be a man throwing two women together for his personal benefit. It's women coming together as sisters and deciding to share a relationship with a man who is capable of benefiting them, the family and community. The man should be in a position to decide whether that relationship benefits him too, thus benefiting the family and the community. When a woman or women are already willing to have a plural marriage and bring the idea to him, he already knows up front that they have some vested interest in it working out. Everybody is invested. If he comes up with the idea and independently brings it to his woman or women, they don't have the same vested interest in making sure it works out; that's his idea and his responsibility. This can easily become a sabotage scenario. In my experience, it wasn't my idea and I agreed to that relationship when I saw that it benefited all of us. It didn't work out because the first woman, who brought the idea to me in the first place, became insecure within the relationship and decided to end it. I was young and didn't fully understand how to deal with co-Queen rivalry, jealousy, time sharing and other important factors to maintain such a sophisticated relationship.


In today's society we find ourselves dealing with many and more of the exact same problems that polygyny successfully addressed in the past, and still address today. Do I think that this is a viable solution? Partially, yet it's not a silver bullet. With the level of emotional instability, lack of financial literacy/stability, integrity and various other things that plague many of us males, many of us are unprepared to handle such a sophisticated relationship. That is a tragedy because many women are left to their own devices and our families, and communities, suffer behind it. At the same time there are some of us men who are prepared to maintain a polygynous relationship yet many women are unprepared to handle such a sophisticated relationship. Aside from the emotional instability, lack of financial literacy/stability, integrity and etc., some women just don't see other women as sisters to the point where they're willing and able to share this kind of relationship. Even the best of women, including Five Percenters, find it difficult to do this. Whatever the reasoning is, if we're not considering polygyny as a viable solution to the human sex ratio disparities, family/community deterioration and moral decay in our societies, we need to come up with a better idea. Our future generations depend upon it.

Peace,
Saladin