What will you name your "Theyby"?

    

   With the popularization of non-gender terms, the political influence of the LGBTQ community's reshaping of municipal landscapes and dominance within various industries, one of the recent contributions of Millennial parents to Western culture is the word "theyby." According to NBC News, "Parents in the U.S. are increasingly raising children outside traditional gender norms — allowing boys and girls to play with the same toys and wear the same clothes — though experts say this is happening mostly in progressive, well-to-do enclaves. But what makes this 'gender-open' style of parenting stand out, and even controversial in some circles, is that the parents do not reveal the sex of their children to anyone. Even the children, who are aware of their own body parts and how they may differ from others, are not taught to associate those body parts with being a boy or girl. If no one knows a child’s sex, these parents theorize, the child can’t be pigeonholed into gender stereotypes."

   "Theyby" is a non-scientific word used to describe a baby being raised without the  social and cultural construct of gender and the biologically based gender pronouns "he, "she", "him" or "her." Parents/Guardians who raise their children as theybies are known as gender-creative parents.


   When people consider gender they often define it as "a chosen identity" distinctly separate from biology. Consider this: 

• The word gender finds its origin in the Proto-Indo-European [PIE] root "gene" which means to beget or give birth in reference to procreation. 
• It is also related to the Old French "gendre, genre" which means a kind or species and the Latin "genus" meaning kind, stock and species. 
• Its PIE root "gene" is related to the Greek root "genea" which means generation. 
• In Biology a gene is a unit of heredity made up of DNA that is transferred from a parent to offspring. This distinct sequence of nucleotides forming part of a chromosome determines some characteristic of the offspring. 

   As you can see, it is impossible to separate gender from its etymological origin and its basis in science. People generally use the word gender incorrectly and in a social and cultural context. This explains the notion of gender fluidity and people defining themselves as non-binary [Genderqueer]. Even in rare instances where a person is intersexual; they are born with several variations in sex characteristics including chromosomes, gonads, sex hormones or genitals. However we choose to define ourselves, socially and culturally, we bring our "gene" with us.

     Kyl Myers, parent to 2-year-old theyby Zoomer, told New York magazine: “I’m very tired of the heteronormative and cisnormative model. I’m very tired of the patriarchy. A part of why we are parenting this way is because intersex people exist, and transgender people exist, and queer people exist, and sex and gender occur on a spectrum, yet our culture loves to think people, all 7 billion of them, can and should be reduced to either/or.” Some parents are raising their child this way because they don't want them to be discriminated against because of gender stereotypes. I understand that. The irony is some of these same parents won't say anything about other stereotypes that result in the murders of innocent black people at the hands of the police, this country's immigration policies against Mexicans or the federal profiling of Muslims. When I've had discussions with some of these parents they found it very difficult to look past their white privilege of assigning their child's gender to empathize with black and brown folks who have also been reduced to an either/or binary identity; either we are white or we ain't white...

     I must acknowledge, whenever and wherever the meeting took place to discuss shifting the gender descriptive landscape, black and brown folks were not invited. If there were any of us at that table, we, as a community, were not informed about what was discussed. I have attended various trainings and conferences introducing attendants to these gender-neutral concepts, curriculum to articulate gender-neutral perspectives, gender-neutral legislation and LGBTQ nomenclature. I have found them to be very informative. Not from the perspective of advocating this worldview to the youth I work with but informing them about the perspectives of other human beings and equipping them with the proper knowledge, wisdom and understanding to navigate this landscape. This is important, especially to those of us who do not represent the dominant class or status quo. Why? Because if you are not the decision makers, sometimes those decisions don't consider you or the changes you need to make to accept or tolerate those decisions. And change is often more difficult when it is not on your terms.
     Speaking of not representing the dominant class, consider how marginalization has not only affected the gender landscape but also the racial landscape in the U.S. Those within the LGBTQ community often speak about being marginalized. Being marginalized means that decisions are usually made by the dominant class without your input or consent; that is the status quo. When you are marginalized you don't have the privilege of ignoring that status quo. As black and brown people, our survival and lifespan has always depended upon us knowing the perspectives, customs, traditions, norms and territories of white folks [the dominant class]. White folks have not had to reasonably consider us and you can see it by the historically systemic lack of inclusion and representation of black and brown in their institutions, territories and economy. To not even have to consider other people is a hell of a privilege that many people overlook. At no point in the history of this country, even during the time of segregation, did black and brown people have that privilege of inconsideration. And if we ever tried to exercise that white privilege of not considering the customs, traditions, perspectives and territories of the dominant class, it usually meant death; socially, politically, financially and of course physically. Why am I talking about race? Because oftentimes some gender-creative parents and members of the LGBTQ community strive to equate their struggle for identity with the human and civil rights struggles of black and brown people. While there are some similarities, they do not intersect and there is still an overarching umbrella of white supremacy, racism and discrimination even within the LGBTQ community. Some things still have not changed concerning the racial landscape in America and even among some gender-creative white parents I can see them using separatist phrases like "theyby of color", "black gender-creatives" or worst, "n*gger theyby."

   In my experience and research, the bulk of information we see about the use of gender-neutral language in society and gender-neutral educational curriculum is designed to reshape social and cultural norms related to how people use personal/possessive pronouns. It does not change or dispute science, the scientific terms of anatomy or biochemical, hormonal, physiological and reproductive processes that exist -regardless of the personal/possessive pronouns people choose to use. Again, the word "gender" is etymologically rooted in science [gene]. Science and scientific terms are used to accurately describe and define anatomy and predict biochemical, hormonal, physiological and reproductive processes that sets the basis for personal/possessive pronouns. People choose to use personal and possessive pronouns like "he", "they", "hers" and etc. in a social and cultural context, regardless if they align with what science and scientific terms accurately describe, define and predict. That is the reason you usually don't see gender-neutral discussion in the scientific domain because you would need to rewrite the language and scientific terminology, some which is not gender-neutral. Calling my newborn daughter a "theyby" does not change the science of her anatomy or physical composition. Some folks are choosing to ignore or exclude that inherently important part of our identity. That biological part of all of my daughters identity is just as important as their identity as infinite potential, incarnated consciousness, a human being, black women, sisters, daughters and etc. 

   In closing, I think the best we can do as adults, parents, guardians, caretakers and educators is equip our youth with the most accurate anatomical, biochemical, hormonal, physiological and reproductive information and encourage them to be critical thinkers along their growth and development. If we don't know, then find those who do! We must provide our youth with the proper information to make educated decisions about what, who, where and how they are, and decisions about the future of our world. Imagine if en masse our youth had no more interest in procreation or future generations, where would that leave our human family? We are complex beings with various layers that define us. Some of those layers are gender specific, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Peace,
Saladin