Our Vulnerability is equal to our Responsibility

Photo: Alana Adetola Arts Photography, LLC

 

     On Epiphany Day, I will be fifty years young. There is more snow on the roof than last year but still a lot of fire in this furnace. Reflecting upon my life thus far, there are many things that I have learned, and many things that I am still learning. The main thing that I have been intentional about learning is how to be more vulnerable. Vulnerable about what I share, how I share it, and what I am open to receive. It has truly been my greatest challenge thus far.

    As males in an Androcentric society, there is a traditional emphasis on IQ, or the assessment of intelligence around reasoning. What we are rarely taught about is EQ or emotional intelligence. EQ is defined as a measurement that "determines an individual's ability to identify emotions, both their own and that of others. It is a common belief that people with a high EQ make better leaders, because of their ability to understand and connect with those around them." What I have learned is that we are indoctrinated since boyhood to not show emotion, not use words that express emotion, or even acknowledge the emotions of others. This unsophisticated posture and stoic attitude has ill-equipped many of us males to even identify emotions; our own and what other human beings are experiencing and expressing. Yes, we know what mad, happy, and sad is. Yet it is challenging for many of us to recognize depression, rage, apathy, empathy, confusion, jealousy, adoration, disappointment, and numerous other emotions that many women naturally can. It took me years to realize how unevolved I was, and still am, regarding my EQ. For women, I think it is important to understand that as men, we are traditionally socialized NOT TO BE emotionally available to ourselves and for each other. It is very rare that dudes get together and honestly talk about how a woman hurt our feelings by what she said or did, how confused we are about how our relationship is going, or that we are honestly afraid to take the next step in a career. In fact, we probably don't even use the words "hurt", "confused", or "afraid" to describe how we feel even though that is exactly what we are experiencing. We usually don't tell other men that we are proud of them, say that we admire certain qualities about their character, or let them know that we appreciate them being in our lives. We were not taught, and still don't learn, that these are healthy human interactions and important expressions to share with one another. Now, as a woman, imagine having the expectation of us men being emotionally available to you. It is not impossible; it is often unrealistic because many of us were never given the tools. Many of us never learned this. To get many of us men to just begin including words in our vocabulary to communicate emotion, we need to do the self-work of learning to first identify those variety of emotions that we all experience. Do you know how many times we feel ashamed yet express it as anger? Many of us don't even realize that what we are feeling is shame. We just think we are mad about something. As men, we have been taught to historically suppress, minimize, and outright deny these emotions. And to top it all off, who do you think is best qualified to teach us how to navigate these emotions? One of the main people whom many men refuse to learn from; women. 

     YouTube Link: Online Class For Women

     I grew up in a household where my father had some emotional intelligence. He would openly cry if he was upset, he saw something beautiful, and he did not hide it or apologize for expressing these emotions. He told my siblings and I that he loved us, he openly showed affection to our mother, he used words to communicate how he felt, and I was not told "don't cry" or "be a man." Even with seeing, experiencing, and having access to all of this EQ in my own household, I was still unevolved. What I experienced at home was not reflected in the dominant society or the everyday social environments where I invested most of my time. My household experience was usually not being reinforced anywhere outside, especially within the various sports that I participated in. The importance of emotional intelligence never crossed my mind as a child, and it still never crosses the mind of many men. When I finally did begin to think about it, in my adult years, the next questions that I began to ask myself is: Who could I trust to share with? How can I learn to be vulnerable in a Capitalistic society that thrived on taking advantage of the most vulnerable? These are not questions that I simply found an answer to, these are questions that I constantly ask myself as I learn to increase my EQ. 

     As a part of my growth and development process over the last two years I have been intentional about including words that describe emotion within my vocabulary. That has not been a walk in the park for me. I have had experiences with women whom I shared personal feelings with who did not know what to do with them. I have had women laugh, dismiss what I shared, minimize what I expressed, or completely ignore it and talk about their own emotions. Although I was initially hurt and sometimes vowed to never share sh*t with them again, I did come to understand that they were usually not accustomed to seeing that from a man or being in the position to receive that expression. They did not know what to do. Whatever their reaction was, it was an indication for me that they were unable to hold space for me emotionally, while simultaneously expecting me to hold space for them. We may had been compatible in various areas, yet being non-compatible in the area of emotional intelligence began to be a struggle for me, especially as a Black man living in a hostile society. And I'm not saying this from the perspective of a man with a high EQ, I am saying this as a man developing in this area of emotional intelligence being with a woman who is unprepared to receive and reciprocate that. 

     Knowledge of Self is not simply an intellectual journey. It is also a path of the heart that requires us to critically examine how we think AND feel. This is a lifelong commitment to growth and development beyond just reading/collecting books, watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, and debating people in the comment sections on social media. Sometimes, it may include professional therapy. Not life coaching. Not the Universal Parliament. Not a church, mosque, masjid, synagogue, or kingdom hall. T.h.e.r.a.p.y. When my father died in his sleep and my brother was murdered hours later on the same day in 2021, I sought therapy for the first time in my life. I had no idea how that tragedy could potentially affect me, and I wanted to be proactive by seeking professional help. I found a Black Therapist and went for about six months. Through her I had an opportunity to help name, unpack, process, and communicate my emotions. I am unsure how I would have gone through that tragedy without that professional help, along with the support of my family and friends. I am much better for it, and I see how it can be a benefit us men. Not just because we experienced similar tragedies; it just took that kind of tragedy for me to take that step. It is a benefit simply because we are Black men living in a historically hostile society, and we personally don't have all of the answers. Others can help us discover those answers, and some of them are actual professionals. An important part of being vulnerable is also being open to a professional possibility to learn, and grow. We will be better for it. 

     

Peace,

Saladin

When People Fear Success, More Than Failure

United Nations, Geneva Switzerland

     Back in the early 2000s I was walking down a crowded street in NYC and a man approached me and began talking about an article that I wrote in a UK Publication in the 1990s. He described that article in detail, asked questions, and shared how important it was to his growth and development. This incident was nearly a decade after I wrote that article, before the development of social media apps, and before smart phones even existed. That experience shook me up and was one of my first introductions to what it means to be a public figure. On one hand I appreciated learning about how my work was positively impacting lives, yet it was strange being approached that way in the public. I thought a lot about being surveilled, how this person was possibly a government agent, how many other people were watching me, and the potential threat to my life and possibly those around me. It wasn't like that article was about bird watching in Vermont, it was about cultural awareness and self-determination. 

    With all of the work that I have done over the years and continue to do, experiences like this have only increased, exponentially. Nowadays, I am much more accustomed to and prepared to handle these experiences, embracing the fact that this global visibility is a natural result of the work that I do. Contrary to what some folks would like to believe, I have had to learn to acknowledge, accept, and live with this attention. This is a global visibility that I never strived for or desired. 

     Last month I was sitting with colleagues at a Conference in Philadelphia and shared with them my experience filming Episode 5 of the award-winning docuseries Enslaved, executive produced and starring Samuel L. Jackson. Three days prior to filming I learned that the production date/location was changed to the middle of the week 700 miles away to Lake Michigan in Sherboygan, Wisconsin. I was teaching Pre-K at the time, it was nearing the end of the year, and I was coordinating/practicing our students graduation event that was going to be held that Friday. So that Tuesday I brought my luggage to school so that I could leave directly from class to the airport in order to catch a flight to Milwaukee. I flew out of Buffalo, New York that evening and arrived in Milwaukee, Wisconsin that night where car service drove me to Sherboygan about an hour away. I arrived after midnight, checked into the Blue Harbor Resort, and was informed by some of the production team that we would be meeting for breakfast at 5:00am to be out on the dive boat by 5:30am. Keep in mind that from the time I left school the day before, every single moment was a completely new experience for me. I could hardly sleep; it seemed like I blinked my eyes, and it was 5:00am. 

     When I went downstairs to breakfast, I briefly met the production team and was informed by the Director Simcha Jacobovici that we were going to be boarding a dive boat that would be taking us two hours out into the middle of Lake Michigan. There our team of scuba divers would be examining the wreckage of the Home and the Niagara; two sunken schooners now sitting almost 170 and 50 feet below the surface that once ferried Black freedom seekers to Canada from Sandusky, Ohio. Again, I cannot emphasis enough that this was all new to me. This is the first time I was in Wisconsin, staying at this location, meeting the crew, riding on a dive boat, and filming a documentary in this environment. To top it off, an hour into our boat trip, as I start to get seasick below deck, Simcha starts to get footage of myself and Historian John Polacsek discussing Black freedom seekers using waterways along the underground railroad. We then moved to the upper deck and this is footage that was primarily shown in the docuseries. We filmed all day, and we got back to the resort in time for a late dinner. The next morning after breakfast I was scheduled to get car service to the Milwaukee airport to fly back to New York, but Simcha had other plans. There was some footage that he didn't get, and we all had to change back into our clothes from yesterday to get back on the dive boat to shoot. I was able to get to the airport to make my flight just in time. I made it back to New York that night and was up the next morning for our last day of school and Pre-K graduation. All of that happened within a span of 72 hours, and it took me some time to process that experience. The best way that I could describe it is teleportation. In the midst of that experience I was nervous, it was stressful, and I was seasick at times, yet it emotionally prepared me for every single thing that I have done after that. Not once did I feel unqualified, unprepared, or in a space I did not belong. That experience empowered me with the ability to professionally show up under conditions like this, that most folks would be afraid of, which has now become a consistent part of my life. One day I may be at the local grocery store speaking to a person, and 24 hours later be in another state or country speaking to a room of 1,000 people. There is a fearlessness that I have when it comes to showing up, and that is an important part of being successful in any of our undertakings.

     Most folks don’t know how it feels to be visible, and vulnerable. When people around the world can recognize you, reach out to you for assistance/advice, constantly express their gratitude, invest in what you do, quote you in music/literature/curriculum, etc. Take a moment and Google your name to see what comes up about you. Now Google my name, Saladin Allah, and see what comes up. This has been my constant reality for well over two decades now. In no way am I complaining or saying that this is a bad thing. What I am saying is that being a public figure comes with a level of scrutiny, responsibility, consistency, and other expectations that most folks do not understand, are not prepared for, or maybe would not even want. Some folks even believe that they are prepared, or even deserving of this kind of public visibility, and do everything in their power to get it. Yet they usually refuse to do the consistent often "non-visible" work that is actually notable and commands this attention. I didn't just get here, nor did my global visibility happen overnight or because of some viral video, meme, or social media post. I am an internet immigrant who came from an age before household computers and some Tictokers were born native in a digital world. I became influential before Influencers existed and taught online classes before there was something called Zoom, and doing online radio shows before podcasting existed. I have been here for a while. For years I humbled myself and would not even share with people the reality of what goes on in my life as a public figure. Sure, some people can see what I choose to share on social media about my work, but that is just a small fraction of what this internal world is like, and the demands that come along with it. Seeing life through this lens, I continue to learn a lot about myself and other people. A major part of this education is understanding that socioeconomic, educational, and etc. factors aside, when we are our own worst enemies, we drastically limit our ability to succeed. 

    Something that I have also learned is that many people would rather sit and post content on social media to simulate success rather than do the actual work to be successful. Some people even fear success more than they do failure. They would rather accept being safe and mediocre than take a chance at being better. In many cases, they will make up all of the excuses in the world, and create the most elaborate self-sabotage schemes, like play the B.S.E. [Blame Somebody Else] Game, as the reason for their failure to succeed. I have seen this scenario time and time again and could write a book about the number of times that I have helped put people in positions to succeed and they fumbled the bag, dropped the ball, or simply did not show up. And YES, as crazy as this sounds, some folks have even tried to blame me for their failure; even though all I did was open doors for them, get out of the way, help them get money, and never ask for anything in return. I used to take that personal, be hurt, and disappointed in people. Then I grew to understand that it was not personal. It was clearly not about me, or everything that I was able to do for them, that they were not able to do for me or for themselves. 

     Over the last decade I began to be more intentional about publicly owning, acknowledging, and talking about my work, and receiving acknowledgement from others. It was never a case of Imposter Syndrome or lack of pride; I just really considered the feelings of other people by choosing not to be as big as I really was. I am still considerate like that, yet I no longer shrink myself for others to feel comfortable. If I feel like talking about working with the UN, sharing some experiences consulting a celebrity, international travel with a purpose, or a chapter in the seventeenth book that I published, it is what it is. I mean, if a watched a lot of reality television, had a job I didn't like, wanted someone to make me happy, or gossiped about what other people were doing/not doing, I would have that to talk about too, but I don't. Another thing that I learned is some people see your accomplishments and happiness as a magnifying glass that only enlarges their failures and unhappiness. For whatever reason, sometimes even unknown to them, they do not 'feel' proud of you, regardless how they try to mask it. I have seen men who cannot genuinely say things like, "I am proud of you", "You inspire me" and "You helped me..." I've watched dudes literally repeat my words as if they said it or copy/remix some project, program, or initiative that I created, yet act like it didn't come from me. Some even went as far as privately reach out for my guidance and resources behind closed doors but then act like they don't associate with me in the public. Yeah, it's wild, but this is something that has come along with being in the public like that. 

     I grew up in a pre-internet era where the work that people did, or didn't do, was clearly evident in our everyday lives. That is where we were recognized, or not, in a concrete reality. In today's digital landscape of social media, many people are constantly seeking virtual attention and notoriety that they haven’t concretely earned or deserve. People start something and then fizzle out months later because they are ambulance chasing content creators. They post things they did years ago for credit because they are not doing anything credible right now. They troll public figures on social media because a response validates them as "somebody" and equally important. I've said on many occasions that I use social media as a routing device back to reality. It directs people to what I have actually done, and what I am actually doing, in concrete reality. 

    Even though I get frustrated sometimes, I may feel like I need a personal assistant, and there are not enough hours in a day, I have learned to personally handle the attention and expectations of being a public figure. My biggest challenge has been how to establish and maintain a relationship in the midst of all of this, which I am still striving to figure out. One day I will get there. 

Peace,

Saladin