Our Vulnerability is equal to our Responsibility

Photo: Alana Adetola Arts Photography, LLC

 

     On Epiphany Day, I will be fifty years young. There is more snow on the roof than last year but still a lot of fire in this furnace. Reflecting upon my life thus far, there are many things that I have learned, and many things that I am still learning. The main thing that I have been intentional about learning is how to be more vulnerable. Vulnerable about what I share, how I share it, and what I am open to receive. It has truly been my greatest challenge thus far.

    As males in an Androcentric society, there is a traditional emphasis on IQ, or the assessment of intelligence around reasoning. What we are rarely taught about is EQ or emotional intelligence. EQ is defined as a measurement that "determines an individual's ability to identify emotions, both their own and that of others. It is a common belief that people with a high EQ make better leaders, because of their ability to understand and connect with those around them." What I have learned is that we are indoctrinated since boyhood to not show emotion, not use words that express emotion, or even acknowledge the emotions of others. This unsophisticated posture and stoic attitude has ill-equipped many of us males to even identify emotions; our own and what other human beings are experiencing and expressing. Yes, we know what mad, happy, and sad is. Yet it is challenging for many of us to recognize depression, rage, apathy, empathy, confusion, jealousy, adoration, disappointment, and numerous other emotions that many women naturally can. It took me years to realize how unevolved I was, and still am, regarding my EQ. For women, I think it is important to understand that as men, we are traditionally socialized NOT TO BE emotionally available to ourselves and for each other. It is very rare that dudes get together and honestly talk about how a woman hurt our feelings by what she said or did, how confused we are about how our relationship is going, or that we are honestly afraid to take the next step in a career. In fact, we probably don't even use the words "hurt", "confused", or "afraid" to describe how we feel even though that is exactly what we are experiencing. We usually don't tell other men that we are proud of them, say that we admire certain qualities about their character, or let them know that we appreciate them being in our lives. We were not taught, and still don't learn, that these are healthy human interactions and important expressions to share with one another. Now, as a woman, imagine having the expectation of us men being emotionally available to you. It is not impossible; it is often unrealistic because many of us were never given the tools. Many of us never learned this. To get many of us men to just begin including words in our vocabulary to communicate emotion, we need to do the self-work of learning to first identify those variety of emotions that we all experience. Do you know how many times we feel ashamed yet express it as anger? Many of us don't even realize that what we are feeling is shame. We just think we are mad about something. As men, we have been taught to historically suppress, minimize, and outright deny these emotions. And to top it all off, who do you think is best qualified to teach us how to navigate these emotions? One of the main people whom many men refuse to learn from; women. 

     YouTube Link: Online Class For Women

     I grew up in a household where my father had some emotional intelligence. He would openly cry if he was upset, he saw something beautiful, and he did not hide it or apologize for expressing these emotions. He told my siblings and I that he loved us, he openly showed affection to our mother, he used words to communicate how he felt, and I was not told "don't cry" or "be a man." Even with seeing, experiencing, and having access to all of this EQ in my own household, I was still unevolved. What I experienced at home was not reflected in the dominant society or the everyday social environments where I invested most of my time. My household experience was usually not being reinforced anywhere outside, especially within the various sports that I participated in. The importance of emotional intelligence never crossed my mind as a child, and it still never crosses the mind of many men. When I finally did begin to think about it, in my adult years, the next questions that I began to ask myself is: Who could I trust to share with? How can I learn to be vulnerable in a Capitalistic society that thrived on taking advantage of the most vulnerable? These are not questions that I simply found an answer to, these are questions that I constantly ask myself as I learn to increase my EQ. 

     As a part of my growth and development process over the last two years I have been intentional about including words that describe emotion within my vocabulary. That has not been a walk in the park for me. I have had experiences with women whom I shared personal feelings with who did not know what to do with them. I have had women laugh, dismiss what I shared, minimize what I expressed, or completely ignore it and talk about their own emotions. Although I was initially hurt and sometimes vowed to never share sh*t with them again, I did come to understand that they were usually not accustomed to seeing that from a man or being in the position to receive that expression. They did not know what to do. Whatever their reaction was, it was an indication for me that they were unable to hold space for me emotionally, while simultaneously expecting me to hold space for them. We may had been compatible in various areas, yet being non-compatible in the area of emotional intelligence began to be a struggle for me, especially as a Black man living in a hostile society. And I'm not saying this from the perspective of a man with a high EQ, I am saying this as a man developing in this area of emotional intelligence being with a woman who is unprepared to receive and reciprocate that. 

     Knowledge of Self is not simply an intellectual journey. It is also a path of the heart that requires us to critically examine how we think AND feel. This is a lifelong commitment to growth and development beyond just reading/collecting books, watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, and debating people in the comment sections on social media. Sometimes, it may include professional therapy. Not life coaching. Not the Universal Parliament. Not a church, mosque, masjid, synagogue, or kingdom hall. T.h.e.r.a.p.y. When my father died in his sleep and my brother was murdered hours later on the same day in 2021, I sought therapy for the first time in my life. I had no idea how that tragedy could potentially affect me, and I wanted to be proactive by seeking professional help. I found a Black Therapist and went for about six months. Through her I had an opportunity to help name, unpack, process, and communicate my emotions. I am unsure how I would have gone through that tragedy without that professional help, along with the support of my family and friends. I am much better for it, and I see how it can be a benefit us men. Not just because we experienced similar tragedies; it just took that kind of tragedy for me to take that step. It is a benefit simply because we are Black men living in a historically hostile society, and we personally don't have all of the answers. Others can help us discover those answers, and some of them are actual professionals. An important part of being vulnerable is also being open to a professional possibility to learn, and grow. We will be better for it. 

     

Peace,

Saladin