Unpacking The Male Box

Sakila Primary School, Tanzania Africa

 

    The origin of the word emotion is "emote", which comes from the Latin verb emovēre, meaning, "to remove or displace." It is interesting that this is the etymology of the word because in this androcentric society, the expression of emotion is typically viewed as something displaced that should be far removed from us. How ironic huh?

    As men, we feel and experience the same emotions that women do. We know what insecurity, envy, anxiety, and other emotions feel like. The main difference is, women have naturally learned to name, unpack, process, and communicate those emotions. Men typically don't learn this, and we have been taught all kinds of propaganda and rhetoric to explain why we don't, and should not name, unpack, process, and communicate those emotions, all the way to an early grave. In fact, our typical path of manhood is "anti-femininity." Through my Atlantis School for Gifted Youngsters I have a Boys As Allies Rights of Passage Program where we engage in various activities and have conversations around manhood and masculinity. One of the things that we discuss and do activities around is The Male Box and all of the things that go into it; which are things that we were taught about manhood and where it comes from. Some of the things that boys often share regarding what makes them a man are things like; having sex, being able to fight, growing body hair, having a job, driving a car, going to the military, having a child, etc. Then we discuss how if a male does not have one or a number of those things or experiences, is he not a man? What they begin to realize, through their own investigation, is that many of the things that we use to define manhood are arbitrary and made-up markers to designate points along a person's life cycle. None of these things instruct us about character, principles, values, responsibilities or teach us important life skills as we transition in age and maturity. They also tell us nothing about managing physiological, emotional, and social changes that we go through and responsibilities to ourselves and other human beings such as a family and community. I often ask them, isn't it strange that you can take a drivers course and get a learners permit at the age of 16 and a drivers license in NYS at 18, yet there are no instructions on how to be a man? I also point out that you can join the armed services at the age of 18 (17 with parental consent) and die in the military for this country yet you cannot legally drink a beer or vape. So how do boys learn to become men? The majority of us learn like a pack rat, collecting a bunch of ideas we picked up at home, in society, and through the media. While there are some good things that we have learned, I would venture to say that most of what we accumulate is not beneficial and the evidence is in the collective state of our relationships, communities, people, and overall society. The proof is all around us, in what we digest, and oftentimes right in the mirror. I am not making this assessment like I am Dr. Umar Johnson, 19 Keys, Billy Carson, Ali Muhammad, or other self-appointed men telling everyone what they need to fix because we are strait. I mention brothers like them because when you listen to them talk, you never hear them discuss what they are working on in their lives or personal growth and development. They all give the impression that they have arrived, somewhere, that you need to get to. Yet whenever you think you have arrived, they will always have some explanation why you still haven't made it. Anyway, my statement was not from that egocentric point of view. I am also not sharing this perspective to suggest that all women are strait either and that we as men need to get on their level. There is a such thing as "toxic femininity" and there are women with a low EQ also. Especially women who are emulating the ideas that we, as men, have picked up.

"Beyond The Murals" Photography Exhibit
The Cotton Factory Hamilton Ontario, Canada

    Most of us men who are born into this Western society were exposed to its Eurocentric religious/cultural belief systems that warp the perspective of femininity, women, and womanhood. In various Black/Brown classical and indigenous societies, femininity, women, and womanhood was seen through a lens of honor and respect. Like my culture of the Five Percent, women are seen as the Earth, Mother Earth, the Great Mother and Mother Nature because of her form, character and function -such as her physical composition, atmosphere and ability to birth and sustain life. The Earth is a terrestrial planet. That is where the name 'Earth' is derived; the Latin root "Terra", the root word of terrestrial meaning 'of the land.' This means that our planet possesses a solid surface and a metallic core. This core is the source of Earth's geomagnetic field that shield's it from cosmic radiation. The Earth also has four different layers: an inner core, outer core, mantle and crust [surface]. Lastly, Earth is distinguished from the other terrestrial planets Mercury, Venus and Mars because it possesses water which is vital for life as we know it. All of these qualities have a symbolic relationship to women, and the original woman in particular. In regard to the Earth's primarily Iron [Fe] core, the source of its geomagnetic field that shield's it from cosmic radiation, iron is considered the life-force of the Earth in some societies such as the Aborigines of Australia. As a life-force of the Earth, it symbolizes a woman's vitality, integrity, resilience, strength and fortitude. In regards to functioning as a geomagnetic shield, that symbolizes a woman's protective instinct against outside danger. The four different layers of the Earth symbolize the layers of a woman. The crust is the surface or most outer layer of the Earth. This represents what and how we physically see a woman; this is her appearance. The mantle is the second layer or what lies just beneath the surface; as a mantle is that which cloaks, shrouds or disguises. Also keep in mind that movement of the mantle causes tectonic activity such as volcanic eruptions and earthquakes on the crust, her surface. In symbolic terms, sometimes it's something lying just beneath the surface, that's undetected by the naked eye, that causes the unstable activity we see on the outside. The hottest and deepest layers of the Earth are the outer and inner core which are primarily composed of iron and nickel, thus making the planet magnetic. It is in this interior place that our Earth derives its magnetic field; its North and South Poles [compass]. In symbolic terms, internally is where you'll find the core convictions and source of a woman's moral compass and sense of direction. As the Earth possesses other precious metals and minerals that develop within it's womb, women possess the ability to develop precious life within their womb; children. The Earth's weather is primarily determined by the state of its atmosphere, as a woman's mood is partly determined by the state of her emotional atmosphere. The Earth's magnetic relationship with the Moon's 28-day lunar cycle effects our planet's tides the same way a woman's 28-day menstrual cycle affects her emotional tides that are linked to her sympathetic nervous system that partly regulates her hormones and body's ability to cope with stress. As hunter gatherers that eventually transitioned into agriculture and industrialism, we directly consulted with women who were biologically in tune with our landscape, weather, planting and harvest seasons. As forecasters, their wisdom was critical to our survival and that consultation corresponds to the creation of lunar calendars based upon the 28-day Moon and her 28-day menstrual cycle. Among many societies, a woman is seen as an oracle [diviner] within its cultural matrix because of her intuition, what our southern relatives call "mother wit", and what Western Philosophy has come to define as a priori knowledge. In Greece for example, she was the priestess Pythia; central figure of the Gaia [Earth] society and Oracle of Delphi men would consult for guidance on the seventh day of each month. This is the essence of emotional intelligence or EQ. Our ability to survive and thrive as men literally depended upon, and depends upon, this corresponding relationship to women. Now, some men might take what I shared above as a justification for worshipping women. That is taking it too far. I also don't think that women should sit around worshipping as men. That is taking it too far also. In both instances we can mess around and lose sight of ourselves in the process. To equally revere each other and show adoration is enough. No one is more important than the other and we are both worthy of honor and respect.

      Considering all of this, I think that there is room for us as men (and women who do not know themselves) to increase our EQ. Some of the benefits of this are improved communication, stronger relationships, better leadership skills, increased empathy, greater self-awareness, better conflict resolution, enhanced decision-making, increased adaptability, and improved ability to manage stress. The only liability is not having these benefits. It is amazing how in conversations about KOS [Knowledge of Self] there is rarely any mention increasing our EQ as an important part of that self-assessment and path of growth and development. Working within the non-profit sector and professions of education, community building, and public art, these spaces are dominated by women. This has given me access to relationships, resources, and wisdom to help me along the way. Some men may rarely find themselves in spaces like this, so I understand if they feel disconnected from and uncomfortable with some of these ideas about EQ. Regardless of that, what most of us men usually have in common is the lack of access to spaces for us men to get together and even build about this. Yes, we will get together to watch a sports event, go to a concert, strip club or other activities, but we usually are not getting together to help each other name, unpack, process, and communicate our emotions. Thankfully I have brothers in my circle whom I am vulnerable with. Brothers who I share my hurt and disappointments, my appreciation and excitement with. Many of us don't have brothers or spaces like this and we walk around and interact with each other like nothing bothers, fazes, or affects us. The truth is there is a lot that bothers, fazes, and affects us every damn day and we need each other, and sometimes professional therapy, to name, unpack, process, and communicate those emotions. We need to be more vulnerable within our brotherhood and create these spaces for ourselves and the young boys growing up. Our young boys need to see us honor, congratulate, and share with each other so they can learn how to do the same with their peers. It is an important part of our mental health and path of growth and development as men. We will be better because of it, and our relationships, families, communities, people and overall society will also. 

Peace,

Saladin

Our Vulnerability is equal to our Responsibility

Photo: Alana Adetola Arts Photography, LLC

 

     On Epiphany Day, I will be fifty years young. There is more snow on the roof than last year but still a lot of fire in this furnace. Reflecting upon my life thus far, there are many things that I have learned, and many things that I am still learning. The main thing that I have been intentional about learning is how to be more vulnerable. Vulnerable about what I share, how I share it, and what I am open to receive. It has truly been my greatest challenge thus far.

    As males in an Androcentric society, there is a traditional emphasis on IQ, or the assessment of intelligence around reasoning. What we are rarely taught about is EQ or emotional intelligence. EQ is defined as a measurement that "determines an individual's ability to identify emotions, both their own and that of others. It is a common belief that people with a high EQ make better leaders, because of their ability to understand and connect with those around them." What I have learned is that we are indoctrinated since boyhood to not show emotion, not use words that express emotion, or even acknowledge the emotions of others. This unsophisticated posture and stoic attitude has ill-equipped many of us males to even identify emotions; our own and what other human beings are experiencing and expressing. Yes, we know what mad, happy, and sad is. Yet it is challenging for many of us to recognize depression, rage, apathy, empathy, confusion, jealousy, adoration, disappointment, and numerous other emotions that many women naturally can. It took me years to realize how unevolved I was, and still am, regarding my EQ. For women, I think it is important to understand that as men, we are traditionally socialized NOT TO BE emotionally available to ourselves and for each other. It is very rare that dudes get together and honestly talk about how a woman hurt our feelings by what she said or did, how confused we are about how our relationship is going, or that we are honestly afraid to take the next step in a career. In fact, we probably don't even use the words "hurt", "confused", or "afraid" to describe how we feel even though that is exactly what we are experiencing. We usually don't tell other men that we are proud of them, say that we admire certain qualities about their character, or let them know that we appreciate them being in our lives. We were not taught, and still don't learn, that these are healthy human interactions and important expressions to share with one another. Now, as a woman, imagine having the expectation of us men being emotionally available to you. It is not impossible; it is often unrealistic because many of us were never given the tools. Many of us never learned this. To get many of us men to just begin including words in our vocabulary to communicate emotion, we need to do the self-work of learning to first identify those variety of emotions that we all experience. Do you know how many times we feel ashamed yet express it as anger? Many of us don't even realize that what we are feeling is shame. We just think we are mad about something. As men, we have been taught to historically suppress, minimize, and outright deny these emotions. And to top it all off, who do you think is best qualified to teach us how to navigate these emotions? One of the main people whom many men refuse to learn from; women. 

     YouTube Link: Online Class For Women

     I grew up in a household where my father had some emotional intelligence. He would openly cry if he was upset, he saw something beautiful, and he did not hide it or apologize for expressing these emotions. He told my siblings and I that he loved us, he openly showed affection to our mother, he used words to communicate how he felt, and I was not told "don't cry" or "be a man." Even with seeing, experiencing, and having access to all of this EQ in my own household, I was still unevolved. What I experienced at home was not reflected in the dominant society or the everyday social environments where I invested most of my time. My household experience was usually not being reinforced anywhere outside, especially within the various sports that I participated in. The importance of emotional intelligence never crossed my mind as a child, and it still never crosses the mind of many men. When I finally did begin to think about it, in my adult years, the next questions that I began to ask myself is: Who could I trust to share with? How can I learn to be vulnerable in a Capitalistic society that thrived on taking advantage of the most vulnerable? These are not questions that I simply found an answer to, these are questions that I constantly ask myself as I learn to increase my EQ. 

     As a part of my growth and development process over the last two years I have been intentional about including words that describe emotion within my vocabulary. That has not been a walk in the park for me. I have had experiences with women whom I shared personal feelings with who did not know what to do with them. I have had women laugh, dismiss what I shared, minimize what I expressed, or completely ignore it and talk about their own emotions. Although I was initially hurt and sometimes vowed to never share sh*t with them again, I did come to understand that they were usually not accustomed to seeing that from a man or being in the position to receive that expression. They did not know what to do. Whatever their reaction was, it was an indication for me that they were unable to hold space for me emotionally, while simultaneously expecting me to hold space for them. We may had been compatible in various areas, yet being non-compatible in the area of emotional intelligence began to be a struggle for me, especially as a Black man living in a hostile society. And I'm not saying this from the perspective of a man with a high EQ, I am saying this as a man developing in this area of emotional intelligence being with a woman who is unprepared to receive and reciprocate that. 

     Knowledge of Self is not simply an intellectual journey. It is also a path of the heart that requires us to critically examine how we think AND feel. This is a lifelong commitment to growth and development beyond just reading/collecting books, watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, and debating people in the comment sections on social media. Sometimes, it may include professional therapy. Not life coaching. Not the Universal Parliament. Not a church, mosque, masjid, synagogue, or kingdom hall. T.h.e.r.a.p.y. When my father died in his sleep and my brother was murdered hours later on the same day in 2021, I sought therapy for the first time in my life. I had no idea how that tragedy could potentially affect me, and I wanted to be proactive by seeking professional help. I found a Black Therapist and went for about six months. Through her I had an opportunity to help name, unpack, process, and communicate my emotions. I am unsure how I would have gone through that tragedy without that professional help, along with the support of my family and friends. I am much better for it, and I see how it can be a benefit us men. Not just because we experienced similar tragedies; it just took that kind of tragedy for me to take that step. It is a benefit simply because we are Black men living in a historically hostile society, and we personally don't have all of the answers. Others can help us discover those answers, and some of them are actual professionals. An important part of being vulnerable is also being open to a professional possibility to learn, and grow. We will be better for it. 

     

Peace,

Saladin